EXETERRPG: (3 - 1734) MS - CSO Lt Jg Erin Cortez & 1st Fighter Wing of Mars CO, Commander Jimmy Hart

[Jaclyn Smith]

Mission: Murder on the Exeter Express

Day:03

Stardate: 2445:12:03



( USS Exeter - personal quarters - CSO Lt Jg Erin Cortez &  1st Fighter
Wing of Mars CO, Commander Jimmy Hart - 1734 )

After getting back to her own quarters,having talked to Doctor Kruse as was
requested and, having made the required counselling appointments, Erin had
changed into comfy clothes and sat at her desk. Needing to touch base with
someone, just to take her mind off what had happened, she placed the call
to Mars, sat back and waited for him to answer.

=/\=Hello=/\= the voice on the other end said groggily. =/\=do you have any
idea what time it is over here? It’s like 0400 hours. This better be
important Billy or I swear.=/\=

"Hopefully, I'm better looking than your cousin. Sorry if I woke you." Erin
smiled. The thought of bed hair on Jimmy made her laugh a touch.

=/\=Same thing I told fake Billy.=/\= Jimmy said bluntly. =/\=It better be
important, I got the kid this week, if this wakes him up and I got to make
pancakes at 0500, I swear Erin, the next time I see you, you’ll owe me.=/\=

Jimmy got up and put on a shirt and then sat down. =/\=ok whats up?=/\=

"I'll be quiet. Although depends on what you mean by I will owe you." She
replied with a smile.

=/\=Nothing that will seem like a reward in anyway.=/\= He retorted.

~He is not a morning person ~ she thought to herself


=/\=Erin, get to the point, yes its good to see you, muah, muah,
pleasantries, done. It’s early and I’m grumpy, so pretend the ship is on
fire and the faster you get to the point, the faster you’re saved, and lets
talk about it.=/\= Jimmy was grumpy and wasn’t in the mood for dancing
around the topic.

"I… okay, look, I just got out of sickbay and I wanted to talk to you. Is
that so bad? I forgot the time difference. I'll make it up to you when I
get back."

=/\=Stop apologizing.=/\=

"So…. Okay. I'll try and never use that word again unless it is warranted."

=/\=I want you to call if you’re hurt, and you need someone to talk to.
Lead with that. And stop apologizing. Its ok to be vulnerable, its ok not
to be perfect. Im assuming you were hurt, or else you wouldn’t call.=/\=

"Yeah..  there's not much I can say about it  otherwise your cousin would
kick my ass. " She laughed gently. "I'm okay… for the most part."

“Well, tell me about it. How're you feeling?”

"Sore. But I'll be okay. Physically anyway. Mentally, it's gonna take a bit
but I'm not running. Not this time. I got told that, I need to own who I am
and what has happened to me. So , this is me, trying to own it."

=/\=Well you dont need my approval to own it.=/\=

"I know…"

=/\=Owning it comes from you, not me. If you’re calling to tell me you were
hurt, but ok. I appreciate it. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. But
if you’re calling to get my approval or my respect because you’re owning
it, then you aren’t really owning it.=/\=

"That’s not it. I.. There’s only so much I can tell you. But… what
happened, it scared me. Made me realise some things and I just… it's hard
to explain when I can't say somethings. " She sighed, "I got hurt. Pretty
bad. I just…" she sighed and rubbed her head a little, trying to find the
words to explain.

=/\=You just? Erin, honey, you know you have the words. Just say them, even
if they aren’t perfect.=/\=

"I… my mom always said I could talk and talk and not say one single thing
of relevance. " She paused and then continued, "I can't explain it, not
well anyway. Things have happened here. Things that have had an impact on
me. Made me realise that you were right all along."

=/\=About?=/\=

"I can't hide from my past. Nor can I let it own me. I wish I could explain
what has happened. It's made me realise that properly. That I can’t be who
I was anymore. I can't be that version of me. I, damn it, I'll say it. I
need to grow up and be more open."

=/\=Open thats not the word, I’d use. Vulnerable. You’re so obsessed with
being stronger, you sometimes forget its ok to be weak.=/\=

"Again, how do you do that? I've been so consumed by trying to be someone
I'm not…"

=/\=It’s ok to hurt, and to feel hurt. It’s ok to say, this sucked, and I
can’t handle it. Sometimes Erin, you have a tendency to say, I’m going to
not let this own me, and you go out of your way to let it control you.=/\=

She smiled softly, knowing he was right. "I'm trying. This whole situation
has been… difficult to say the least."

=/\=Be vulnerable. Its not a bad thing.=/\=

Taking a breath,  she nodded. Her voice caught in her throat a little as
she spoke, " Jimmy… it… was bad. I can't go into specifics but… " she
paused, wiped her nose with the cuff of her jumper and continued,  " … I'm
dealing. I have to speak with the ships counselor about all this. Done some
already. I'm not okay but I will be."

=/\=There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor. Look I feel like I’m
doing a lot of, whats the 21st century phrase? Mansplaining? I feel like
I’m doing a lot of mansplaining, but counseling is good. You should know
that, you used to be one.=/\=

"Physician heal thyself. I get that."

=/\=Look, you’ve had a shit go of it. From Christian, to Dulon, to this.
But you also tend to try and fix the problem by being stronger, or feel
like you have to be super woman to overcome. So you look for the quick fix,
or you runaway, or try weird Romulan rituals. And thats not gonna fix it.
It’s the reason why Billy broke up with you.=/\=

The fact that he mentioned Billy made Erin sit up and she sighed. "I know.
I wasn't ready for anything and I didn't treat him well. I was at least
open with him."

=/\=Sure you told him everything, because you were already open. But you
never let him into the struggle, you were never vulnerable, you never let
him share that pain or burden with you. The first step of being vulnerable
is knowing that shit takes time.=/\=

"I should take the advice I have given out. I know… I realise that I have
made mistakes. But who hasn't? I'm not perfect,  far from it. But I am
trying. " She paused for a moment and closed her eyes, "It's going to take
time to process what happened for so many reasons. I don't want to hide any
of it from you."

=/\=Well then start by telling me what you can tell me. The pain, the fear,
the what have you. =/\=

Erin closed her eyes, feeling an impossible weight being lifted from her
shoulders as she began to speak, " It's all jumbled really. I'm scared.
Being honest, I'm scared for a number of reasons. What happened was not
pretty. What happened was something I never want to have to go through
again. I felt like a failure. Even though I know it wasn’t me, wasn’t
anything really that I did, I have a guilt weighing on me because of
something that happened. The pain of seeing people I know and love go
through something and me…. I went through something physical. So, I have
the physical pain but… it's not that that is screwing me over. It's the
mental side of it. The fact that I have to live with what happened. Even
though, logically speaking, I know it wasn’t my fault… I just…. I made a
choice that backfired. And, I'm scared to close my eyes and sleep because I
will see it all over again. Feel the pain. The physical and the emotional."

=/\=Erin, go see a counselor. Now. Tell them everything you just told me.
Don’t wait. Just go. Spend all evening talking. Sounds to me like you have
the makings of what could develop into PTSD. Don’t dilly dally with your
mental healthy.=/\=

"I know. I will. Already talked to one somewhat today. But I hear what you
are saying. I honestly do."

=/\=And yes, you can call me when you’re done.=/\=

"Well thankyou, kind sir." She replied with a smile. "Now I do have one
question. Before I go talk that is.."

=/\=yes?=/\

"When I get back to Mars, do I get to taste these infamous Hart pancakes?"

=/\=if you have to ask. You'll never know.=/\=

(Reply none)

(Posted by Jackie and Will)
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