EXETERRPG: (3, 1102) Ensign Janice Hammerfield and Ensign Jack Roberts–

[Will Banowsky]

Mission: Murder on the Exeter Express
Day:03
Stardate: 2445.12.03

(USS Exeter – Counselling Offices – Ensign Janice Hammerfield and Ensign
Jack Roberts– 1102)

Janice had been sitting in the waiting area for a bit. Leaning back in the
chair she had closed her eyes and started to enter a light sleep where she
could still hear her surroundings but her body felt light – just about to
fall asleep. She could hear a few steps get louder towards her and she
opened her eyes sitting back upright before getting to her feet, “Sorry –
just catching a wink. Councillor Roberts I presume?”

“Please, call me Jack.” He said with a smile, “Shall we?”

“Lead on,” she said, following him into one of the offices.

Jack motioned for Janice to have a seat.

“You had a hell of a day yesterday. Though I guess hell would be an
understatement.”

Taking a seat she sank into a rather padded and comfortable chair before
letting out a small single humph, “That's one way of putting it Jack. I
wouldn’t be giving it any positive reviews.” She looked over to him and
closed her eyes for a bit before opening then, “Sorry - im ready - what's
the first step?”

“So, and be honest, this only works if you’re honest. How are you feeling?”

“You sure are starting with the hard questions. How am I feeling? Right now
i'm tired - angry - disappointed - confused. Take your pick.”

“Well you tell me. These are after all your feelings.”  he said with a
smile.

“They are my feelings but you are the doctor - where would you start?”

“Let’s go ahead and start with disappointed. Why do you feel disappointed?”

Janice took a long sigh, “Because I couldn't help any of them. I couldn’t
stop a man blasting a phaser into his head and I couldn't stop Maxine from
torturing and killing everyone in the holodeck - myself included. What’s
not to be disappointed about. I failed them.”

“Well, no, not really. You couldn’t have failed them because you were in
the same boat. You had the same predicament, there wasn’t a duty of care.
Did you do the best you could?”

“I did - it wasnt good enough,” she replied back simply

“Because in that situation, that is all anyone can ask of you.”

“No not like that. I know I was doing my best. The point is my best wasn't
good enough for them. Any of them - and it really ticks me off.”

“But I can see how, given the circumstance, that disappointment would make
you angry.”

“Damn right i'm angry with that!” she said loudly before letting her voice
sink back to a normal level, “I should have been able to do something.
There had to be something I could do. Something I missed, something else I
could have done to change what happened. I need to know what that is so i
don't let it happen again,”

“But what if there wasn’t. Sometimes things happen that we just can’t
control. And that is ok.”

“All very well and good - but i should have been better for them. Stronger.
Smarter. Something. Something more than i am right now,”

“Everyone always say that. I need to be more, I need to be stronger. Unlock
my potential. And that is admirable. But part of that strength is knowing
your limits and who you are. As long as that anger stays there, it could
motivate you, but it could also cloud you to real inner strength.”

“I know my limits,” she snapped back a bit before calming down, “I just
can't help thinking that there was more i could have done. Or was it
something I did. Maybe if i trained a little more - worked out a little
harder - made some other choices people would still be alive.”

“I think its important to accept our limitations and become comfortable
that shit happens and we can’t control it. We can’t prepare for every
eventuality, and sometimes we get caught off guard. And while it sucks
major dick, its not our fault.” Jack paused. “Sorry former marine.”

“You can take the civilian out of the marine but not the marine out of the
civilian,” she nodded, “I just wanted to help them all.”

“I know, and that is a noble goal.”

“You want to move onto confused. Why on earth when someone has a phaser and
a clear shot at you would they point it away. Why am I not dead along with
everyone else. It doesn't make any sense. I should have been vaporised into
little bits long before anything happened on the holodeck, but i'm not. I'm
here and everyone else isn't.”

“Maybe the real question is, did at that moment, Ensign Thorn have a moment
of clarity. Did he, faced with his own actions, decide that he couldn’t
face his crimes and kill himself. Or maybe he was ordered not to kill you.”


“You and I both know we will never know the answer to that - but why am i
obsessed with why he didn’t pull the trigger on me? Just a button push. One
button. I’ve had people shoot at me before. Hell I’ve been stabbed and had
grenades thrown at me. But this… this really bothers me.”

“Janice, it seems to me you have some survivor’s guilt, and if its ok, I
think we should focus on that.”
“If you think that’s best,” Janice crossed one of her legs over the other
and lent forward a bit.

“Would you say that your career so far has been marked with tragedy and
pain?”

“I wouldn’t say so. It’s had its ups and downs just like anyone else. I’m
sure you’ve already seen my file anyway.” She felt her pocket with the box
with her pip in it on her side, “My career has probably been one of the
best things i have.”

“Well lets talk about that. This is you second ship, your second career
track in such a short time. Walk me through your time on the Illuminar.
Would you say that your survivor guilt began due to events from the mission
to Bajor?”

“It was rough yes,” she looked to the ground thinking then back up, “No… I
wouldn't say so. I knew who I was fighting there. I knew the mission
parameters. The people there we were fighting. It was expected”

“I don;t mean to pry, just looking for the correct starting point.”

“If I were to guess I look to Mister Thorn,” she looked back at Jack
straight in the eye, “He could have killed me - he didn’t. Instead I
watched him vaporise in front of me. Point blank. I could see his
expression fully as he pulled that trigger and if I was slower pushing away
from him I’d likely be missing several atoms myself.”

“I think it can be very easy for us, when faced in a life or death
situation, when we see and confront death, when we feel like it should have
been us, to ask ourselves, why us and not them? Why me? Why was I spared?
And the dangerous thing about that, is we can begin to wonder about our own
self worth. Why should I live, when so and so should have. So and so had so
much to offer, what do I have that is special. The other fear, is we also
begin to feel selfish. Why did I survive, I should be grateful, my life is
a gift. Yet, why me and not them. I am so selfish for thinking how lucky I
am to be a life. But it isn’t selfish, it is natural.”

“Then why does it feel like every time i look at it i feel like i'm letting
them down - betraying them. I know i cant do anything to change it now but
its just sitting there telling me i could do more,” she replied back, “I
was lucky - but Thorn. He was smiling when he pulled that trigger. Like he
knew everything that was going to stem from pushing that button.”

“Well, yeah, because you had three %$#@#@ people playing %$#@#$ up games,
treating you as puppets. You’re feeling the exact way that those %$#^%$
bastards wanted you to feel.”

Janice didnt say anything back and looked down at the floor thinking hard
for a moment.

“You were playing a game you didn’t know the rules to, and you made it out.
That’s not letting anyone down. That’s sadly, just life.”

“I suppose so. Whatever it is - this is - I dont want to let them win any
more than they have already,” she looked back up slightly more confident
than before.

“This…” He paused, he didn’t like interjecting himself into the narrative
of someone else’s pain. “As someone who experienced trauma and pain, this
healing takes time, but the pain doesn’t need to define you, it doesn’t
need to put you in a box. You can beat it. Even if you need prolonged
counseling, this is a dragon you can slay.”

“I’d feel better if it was a box I could punch and beat the crap out of,”
she gave a small smile and then yawned a little, “sorry - i’ve had about
two in the last thirty at the moment.”

“It’s quite alright, you’ve been through hell.” He smiled. “It’s changed
you, but it need not change you for the worse. By the way, if you’re
looking to beat a box, Ensign West in the science department is a trained
boxer, academy champ in his weight class. I bet if you ask he might give
you a lesson or two. You know, to go beat shit.”

“I might give that a go and see how i feel after that. I know there isn't a
quick fix. I just want to feel a bit better than i do right now.”

“Janice, for reasons we don’t know, you lived, and people died. It’s a
reality that will sadly haunt you for a long time. Emotional ghosts are
real. They are hard to shake. But you can also use this as a moment to not
just live for yourself, but to live for those you couldn’t save. Be the
best you can be, not just for you, but for them.”

“I’ll try - i dont want them to win. I wont let them,” she gave a small
nod, “would you mind if we call it there? I think ill go grab something to
eat and catch up on some rest.”

“Sure, but my door is always open. If you’d like we can make this a regular
thing.”

“That… sounds good,” she nodded standing up and tucking the chair into the
desk neatly, “Thank you for that talk.”

“My pleasure. Rest well Janice. Rest well.”

(Reply none)
(posted by Will and Adam)
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://startrekfreedom.com/pipermail/exeter-rpg_startrekfreedom.com/attachments/20210315/0b08be7b/attachment.html>